I Have Set My Hand to the Plow

Once again another semester has come and gone, and I, standing at this crossroads that is Christmas break, am given a chance to reflect on the whirlwind that was my life for the last four months. This past semester may have been the most difficult one ever, but because it was difficult it was also rewarding—spiritually and intellectually.

In October, I learned what it is like to be confronted with something that turns you bitter against the Lord and to choose that bitterness and to pretend that everything is still okay even when it isn’t. Losing both of my grandmothers three months apart from each other was not exactly my ideal plan for how life was going to go this year. And I refused to acknowledge for a couple weeks that I was angry with the Lord for taking them both so quickly. In a sense, I didn’t want Him to heal this grief in me. I told myself that I was okay with their deaths. I just didn’t want anyone to be involved—even God. And then one day, wondering why I was having such a difficult time praying, I realized that I had put this wall up.

I asked myself: What kind of disciple would I be if I stopped here, dropped the cross, and turned back now? I knew then that I couldn’t drop the cross, that I didn’t want to drop the cross. I knew I had to be faithful, to move forward, to allow this piece of the cross to shape me towards sainthood. I knew that I had already set my hand to the plow and that I could not look back. I wanted to be fit for the Kingdom of God.

Another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.” 

– Luke 9:61–62

This image of plowing was one that continued with me through the rest of the semester, as I struggled with the difficulties of researching and writing my thesis, trying to complete my reading homework, and saying “no” to numerous opportunities that I would have taken if I didn’t have work to do. The image of plowing is one that will probably continue with me through the rest of my life. Why?

Plowing is an image that speaks to me of choice. It reminds me that I have chosen. I have chosen Christ. I have chosen holiness. I have chosen to plow until I reach the Kingdom. I have chosen to write. I have chosen to love.

Deliberately I have set my hand to work, knowing that it will be difficult—the soil is heavy, the plow is clumsy, my grip is slippery. I am going to sweat. There is going to be struggle, exhaustion. Perhaps sometimes I will fall.

And when I am overwhelmed in the midst of a furrow, I can abandon the field, leaving it unfinished and unable to bear abundant fruit. I can look back. But then my work will be unfit for the Kingdom of God.

Or I can plow ever onwards, ever so slowly, in the path I have already chosen, towards the Kingdom of Heaven. Christ Himself waits at the end of the furrow with open arms. All I need is to keep my eyes on Him—to persevere—and He will allow my plowing to make the field fertile.

Constancy that nothing can shake. That’s what you need. Ask God for it, and do what you can to obtain it: for it is a great safeguard against your ever turning from the fruitful way you have chosen. 

- St. Josemaria Escriva

Blessings from 2013

Yesterday it occurred to me that I didn't take any time to reflect on 2013 as it came to a close and the new year began. So I took some time then and there to make a list of the big blessings of the past year and the things that it taught me. Here's what I came up with:

1) Studying abroad - Being able to live in a foreign country for three and a half months and to travel all across Europe pushed me outside of my comfort zone many times. I learned more deeply of my own independence and uniqueness. I learned to trust that the Lord would provide for my needs and I learned to be more vulnerable with other people. Wonder became a constant attitude towards life. Friends were easy to make. Gelato and pizza were the staples in my diet for fourteen days.

2) A summer of service - I spent the summer of 2013 serving families at a Catholic camp. During this time I learned my own leadership abilities. Apparently I am great at directing people and delegating tasks; it became second nature to me by the end of the summer. Stillness possessed my soul during the first weeks of the summer and I came to understand what it is like to be detached from the craziness around me. When my physical, emotional, and spiritual strength shriveled up, I would beg the Holy Spirit to fill me with His strength and He always would. I experienced in a fresh way the weight of intercessory prayer: that God uses our words to heal and listens to our pleading on behalf of others. When I was together with the rest of the staff, I came to understand the power that each person's presence is. If someone was missing, the group dynamics shifted. I learned to maturely confront problems that I had with other people. Finally, I began to learn what it means to reach outside of myself to love others.

3) Household - This past semester was my first full semester in household. Growing in Christian friendship with my sisters taught me to be vulnerable with them. We cannot love and support each other if we do not share ourselves. Communication is key. I learned to share my faith with those around me, by speaking of what the Lord is doing in my heart. Several times over the course of the semester I found myself offering my bed to a household sister who really needed to take a nap and couldn't go back to her room at that particular time for whatever reason, and I learned again to sacrifice myself. Through conversations with my little and personal prayer, the Lord continued to deepen my identity as His Beloved.

4) Christmas with my family - It has been superb to be back with my family over Christmas break. My love for soup, baking, and reading resurged. I developed a love for playing guitar and watching high school basketball. Every single day I get to hug my family and tell them I love them. Even driving places with them is entertaining; our van seems like a clown car because we are all so tall!

5) Friendship - Probably the biggest blessings that came to me during 2013 were friendships with some pretty incredible people. Some were new friendships and some were older ones that have endured. These friendships have taught me that all relationship ought to be rooted in Christ and in Christian charity in order to be truly fruitful. They have challenged me to love other people selflessly, to see people as precious children of God who have the potential to be saints. Thanks be to God for my Alumni Corps Staff, all of my beautiful household sisters, Elyse, Allison, Grace, Yaya, Rachel, Dani, Becca P., Becca C. and Bry. I love you all. 

I Can't Believe This is Happening!

Well folks, with only fifteen (yes, 15) days left until my departure for Europe, it is finally starting to sink in.  I am going to study abroad!  FOR REAL!  I have been dreaming about this experience ever since the day that I found out about my university's amazing study abroad program.  Which means that I have been dreaming about this since...well, since I was approximately a sophomore in high school and one of my good friends was in Austria for the semester.

In sixteen days I will be living here:

(website for image)

It is called the Kartause Maria Thron and it used to be both a monastery for the Carthusian order, as well as a palace for the Hapsburg family!  The place is older than our country!  And I get to live there for FOUR MONTHS!  (Please forgive the excessive use of exclaimation points and capital letters...I am a little bit excited, if you can't tell...)

Anyways, there are many things to be done between now and then, one of the most important of which is packing.  I am now shamelessly warning you: this is about to become an intense travel blog.  :)